


what ill never tell you

by katiecarothers



Series: i just hope you see this [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Forbidden Love, Hate to Love, LGBTQ Themes, Long-Distance Relationship, Love, Other, Poetry, Prose Poem, Prose and Poetry, Strangers to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-26
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-10-16 06:46:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 100
Words: 3,544
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17544719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/katiecarothers/pseuds/katiecarothers
Summary: Another “poetry and prose” book, written about someone being generally scared to fall or be in love. They speak the words that they never will tell the person that loves them.





	1. what she told me

~~~~she told me

that she 

will not

ever 

hurt me

_-but they said that too, love._


	2. pinky promise

i told her

how afraid 

i was

to love her 

because

people

broke

their

promises.

_-and then she gave me a pinky promise._


	3. she gives me anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not necessarily the bad kind of anxiety, but the kind of anxiety that f***s you over.

she gives me

a n x i e t y 

because i fear

that one day

she may be able

to see me

the way 

i see 

myself.


	4. Why you shouldn’t read this

i told her

that i began

to write

this book

for her,

but that she 

was not

allowed 

to read it.

_-because if she did, she might realize how important she actually is to me._


	5. heart > guts

my best friend told me

that if my gut

did not think

that being

with her

was 

a good idea

then i should not

be with her.

_-but it wasn’t about my guts when my heart told me otherwise._


	6. an explanation for constant “I love you’s”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The main character is afraid that since her old lover passed without a goodbye, she may too, lose this lover without a goodbye-which gives her a reason to constantly remind her lover that she loves them.

last year,

a girl i loved

since the eighth grade 

killed herself

with a gunshot

to the head.

_-so when i constantly tell you that i love you, it’s because that may somehow be the very last thing you’ll hear from me._


	7. ...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Scared of her past, the main character is afraid that she has to admit a scary truth to her new lover.

you told me

that if you

were

once a cheat,

then you

are always

a cheat.

_-and though i would never do that to you, it doesn’t change the fact that ive done it to someone else._


	8. because the past sadly defines me

                                              and now,

i have 

yet another 

reason

as to 

why  

you would

leave me.

_-whoever said_

_that your past_

_does not define you,_

_clearly never_

_cheated_

_on someone_

_they loved._


	9. Edgar Allen Poe

we found love

in the name

of 

edgar allen poe

because we both

thought

that the raven

was a dream

within

a dream

and 

i thought 

that maybe

you

were my

annabel lee

__


	10. The Pitts of Hell

she was

only 

going to

be gone

for two days

per month

_-but 24 days a year without her sounds like the Pitts of Hell._


	11. saying goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two days can sound like an eternity.

it was

only

going to be

for two days

& yet

i could barely

stand

to tell her

that i 

love her too,

because i

felt like

maybe

this would be

our last goodbye.

_-saying goodbye is the hardest thing to do._


	12. ill be honest

ill be 

honest

when i 

say that

i cried

for two 

whole hours

being lonely

when you

said

goodbye.

_-id hate to see me if we broke up._


	13. you came back

you came back

and my 

little heart

had so much 

love

to give

to you.

 


	14. when i don’t reply

when i don’t reply

i promise

its not

because

i do not

want to speak 

to you,

it is 

because

i am not ready

for you 

to see me

the ways

i see

myself.


	15. (Ref.) the golden heart.

i am

so scared

to let you in

because

i once

let in 

a

golden heart princess,

and she too,

turned out

to be

a witch. 


	16. loving you

she once

said

that

loving her

isnt the

right thing

to do.

_-I’m not ready for that to be a saying for us yet._


	17. I feel safe with you

how comforting

it is

to know

that even 

without the comfort 

of your warm embrace

i am still

in the most

secure arms.

_-you make me feel so safe._


	18. mend me back together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> -you fix my broken pieces.

i still do not understand 

how someone so broken

found ways

to mend me

back Together.


	19. im not ready

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about wanting to have a sexual relationship but- not being ready.

i wish

you knew

how badly

i want

to give you

what you need.

 __- __but im just not ready.


	20. fragile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he was made of fire  
> & i was made of ice.
> 
> i came too close to  
> his flame
> 
> & he melted me  
> With his embers
> 
> reducing me down  
> to a puddle.
> 
> with time,  
> i froze over again,
> 
> with time,  
> i froze over again,
> 
> a fragile, watery imitation of what once was.

how do you tell

the love of your life

that she

is not

hurting you

but that 

you 

are simply

fragile?


	21. a shoutout to god

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just a cute little chapter about being made for each other

if there

is any form

of god

in this world

he was

thinking 

of me

when he

made you.


	22. you have my heart

even though

it is crushed

into small

tiny pieces

i promise

that you

have my

heart. 


	23. i need you

because

when it is 

exactly midnight

and i say

that i 

am here

if you 

need me,

sometimes 

it is 

my cry out

for help.

_-i need you._


	24. my heart

i can guarantee 

that only you

have my heart

and though

it is damaged,

beaten,

and bruised,

it still

beats

for

you.


	25. yellow paint

when i 

stumbled

upon an 

old picture

of you

in yellow paint

with a cheesy 

bright smile,

i knew 

that i 

was

in love

with 

you.


	26. Every little second

youre right.

i am going to hate

every little second

without you.

_-but damn right am i going to cherish every second we do have._


	27. i was wrong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not talking to someone important to you kinda sucks lol

maybe i was wrong. being away from you is harder than i thought it would be.


	28. your favorite food

and you know

you love her

when your mother

tells you 

that you are having

her favorite food.

_-who knew you could cry through the boiling water for chicken Alfredo?_


	29. because we are both scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is just.. simply about not giving up on someone?

because yes, we are both scared.

because no, it will not always be easy.

because no, we won’t have a perfect relationship.

but because yes, i love you.

_-let this be our reason to fight._


	30. never leave me

you asked me

to 

never 

leave

you.

_- & goddamn am i keeping that promise_


	31. Melted

i dropped over 30 gallons

of ice at work

& watched it melt.

_-and when i needed you and you weren’t there, that’s what happened to my heart._


	32. and now

and now

i am sitting

on the floor

in the bathroom

bawling my eyes out

through poetry

because maybe

you stopped caring

about me


	33. turn back time

and sometimes

i wish

that we 

could simply

turn back time

&  tell each other

“i love you”

without me 

questioning 

why 

it doesnt

seem

like that.


	34. tired

i dont

get upset

because

you are tired.

i do

get upset

because

you are tired

of me.


	35. last night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is about being left on read lol

last night

you didn’t even 

bother

to say 

goodnight 

to me.

_-and i wouldn’t care so much but when i wake up knowing you were active on social media, it stings._


	36. late night calls

you got mad at me for calling my ex-girlfriend while i was crying but i wasn’t sure if you were someone i could call during late nights like that.

_-i would’ve ran to you first thing if i knew i could._


	37. the best thing that’s happened to me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about fear. It’s about the fear of losing someone, the fear that they won’t be there, the fear that maybe they’ll stop loving you, its kind of about everything & more.

and i told

all my friends

that you

are

the best thing

that has happened 

to me.

_-so please don’t become the worst._


	38. maybe ill never be ready

so maybe

ill never 

be

entirely ready

to have

sex 

with you

_-but honest to god ive grown to believe you are the only one who can make me change my mind._


	39. like it’s nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about obviously not having a mutual feeling in a relationship and knowing someone is changing because they weren’t like this when you first got together

you pretend

like it’s nothing

when i know

you better 

than that.

_ -but i guess that doesn’t mean anything _

_ to you either, does it?  _


	40. fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about.. being in love with someone and just kinda letting things be that way even though it kinda feels like maybe they don’t feel the same anymore

you 

consume

me

like

fire

then

pretend

its

nothing

when 

i 

choke

on 

the 

fumes

of 

your

air.


	41. maybe i should’ve gave up on you (but i didn’t.)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don’t even know how to summarize this. Bye.

you tell me

that you

are not

affectionate

but the funny thing

is that

i fell in love

with all the times

you were.

_-but i don’t give up because i know that_

_girl is still there somewhere._


	42. brOKen

im broken

at the thought

that maybe

you wont

fight for me.

_-but if anyone asks I’m okay._


	43. restoration

you give me

a sense

of restoration

& happiness.

_-i thank the gods everyday for someone_

_who restores me like you do._


	44. an apology

i am

so sorry

that you

have to see me

at my worst.

_-but i promise that you are the only one_

_who knows how to bring me to my best._


	45. im not asking for affection

im not asking for affection

but if im crying

it means 

“comfort me”

and when i tell you im sad

it means

”cheer me up”

and when i tell you

that i am

reminded

of the worst thing

that has ever happened to me

it means

i am asking you

to remind me

that you are

the best.


	46. everything i should tell you.

  * i miss you.
  * i don’t want to ever lose you.
  * youre the only one for me.
  * im just as scared as you are.
  * my heart is only yours- even if you don’t believe this.
  * my love is all yours.
  * i know you’re scared and that’s okay too.
  * its okay that you’re vulnerable sometimes.
  * when i go down and see you someday i wanna go to prom with you.
  * and then i want to marry you.
  * and i wanna meet all your friends
  * and i want to make sure that all of them like me
  * and if they don’t ill show them every reason that they should trust me with you.
  * i won’t break your heart.
  * i know that people lie, cheat, and break promises but ive been through enough of it to be honest, faithful, and follow through with my plans.
  * i really really adore your smile.
  * you look so cute with your hair up.
  * you look really cute in sweatpants.
  * i love your voice 
  * i know you said you can’t sing but if you ever want to sing me to sleep im down.
  * i love the thought of being with you.
  * we are going to have the cutest kids to ever walk the planet.
  * i can’t wait to make you chicken Alfredo again.
  * even when you don’t want to cuddle, i guarantee you I’m okay with it.
  * if you ever want me to stop being mad just kiss me and say you love me.
  * if you think im difficult i promise im not.
  * sometimes i just want you to tell me that you love me 
  * sometimes i just need an extra reminder that you actually want someone like me.
  * this is weird but you have really nice teeth.
  * im really intrigued by your religion.
  * if you were a witch, I’m sure you’ve already casted a spell on me ;)
  * i love you.
  * i love you.
  * i love you.
  * i love you.
  * i love you.
  * i love you.
  * please. don’t. give up. on me. 




	47. nepenthe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about someone who takes away all your troubles and makes it something beautiful.

nephente

_noun_

 

a drug described in Homer's Odyssey as banishing grief or trouble from a person's mind.  
any drug or potion bringing welcome forgetfulness.  
  
 _-I guess that you’re my nephente in this_

_world._


	48. and somehow it always goes back to rape.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TW: Rape because I’m angry

the last three girls

i have been 

in a relationship with

have been raped.

by multiple people.

over.

and over again.

_-and yet somehow though it always_

_comes back to rape, im not letting_

_you be the fourth girl to go_

_through that ._


	49. because im too scared to tell you this.

hi.

i don’t really know what to say, better yet 

if i want to say anything but right now i 

really need to say something and that is

that i love you. love is such an over-rated

word nowadays and we both have been 

through that, and i apologize to you

for having that same common 

denominator that i have- believe me

it isn’t something that i would want to

share with anyone, let alone you.

but i really do love you.

i know that’s so hard to believe because

the word love is so abused nowadays

but i was careful enough to question 

you when you said it one day into

our relationship, simply for the sake

of you. for the sake of our relationship.

simply because i did not want our 

relationship to become another chapter

i added into my book but here i am

starting a new draft all about you.

youve introduced me to so many things.

like, if it weren’t for you, i wouldn’t 

be questioning if i actually am the queen

of disaster because you make me feel 

as if i am  _your queen_ ~~~~ ~~~~ ~~~~and that is so

beautiful.

you make me want to smile and laugh

and here i am saying such a cliche 

thing again but that’s the thing-

youve become my cliche, you make me

find hope in something that i had little to

no hope in and that’s beautiful.

i really do love you.


	50. this is where the story ends.

this is where the story ends. 

im sorry i couldn’t continue it for your

sake.


	51. torn

what do you do

when you are torn

between wanting to kill yourself

and wanting to stay alive

to give her

your everything? 


	52. a repeating cycle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is about wanting to just have smooth paths but it doesn’t really work like that in relationships

it has barely been a month

yet we share this

repeating cycle,

over & over again,

where we crash,

burn,

restore,

and repeat.

_-im tired of crash and burning._


	53. when you think im mad

_for all the times you think i am mad:_

i promise i am not.

_for all the times you think i am upset:_

i promise i am not at you.

 


	54. i miss the old you

i miss the old you.

i miss the girl

who called me

pretty lady

and made me 

promise

not to ever

ever

hurt her.

_-goddamit, i want my girlfriend back._


	55. too affectionate

and im not sure

how someone could be

_too affectionate_

to their own girlfriend,

but if that’s what makes you happy,

ill give you just that.


	56. something small

she thought i was

_”freaking out over something small”_

but the truth 

is that i always

cared 

for only

the little things.

_-because if i didn’t care about the little_

_things, whose to say i care about the big_

_ones?_


	57. how it feels to go through a breakup

how it feels to go through a breakup:

you don’t feel anything.

your world crashes,

your heart collapses,

and that’s not a feeling.

thats just an eye opener to how 

_fucked up_

you treat people.


	58. deleting

you can delete the  _Instagram posts_

you can delete the  _old messages_

but you can’t delete  _your feelings._

_-and that’s what fucks me up the most._


	59. blind

the first time

i told you

that you were cute

you sent me

a photo 

of glasses

& told me

i was blind.

_-that’s kinda how our relationship worked._


	60. all my friends

all my friends

_hate_

you

so tell me

why 

i still 

_love_

you.

_-something that has always confused me just the slightest bit._


	61. pinky promise (reprise)

you pinky promised 

you wouldn’t leave,

then you pinky promised

that when 

you were leaving,

it wasn’t my fault.

_-i pinky promise i won’t hate you if you explain to me how that works._


	62. chocolate chip cookies

today,

i am baking chocolate chip cookies-

my ex-girlfriends favorite food,

yet i do not have her in my mind.

i am only thinking about

the ingredients 

and how well 

they went together.

_-bittersweet chocolate chips somehow made things taste delightful, yet we couldn’t even heal the bitterness in our relationship._


	63. bitterness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of humorous, and I’m probably the only one that gets it. True stuff though.

you can blame it

on the dirty dishes

in my kitchen sink,

but i swear that

_the bitter smell_

of the air

somehow

rose up 

& followed me

everywhere 

i went

on the day 

you left.

_-isn’t it hilarious how breakups can literally stink?_


	64. you’re right

“you’re right”

the two words

my fingers 

forced themselves

to type 

while my heart 

_whispered_

the words

**__** _i love you._

 

 


	65. how to become bulimic in four steps

how to become bulimic in 4 steps:

  1. fall in love
  2. give them your everything and trust them with your life.
  3. wait for them to break your heart.
  4. and once they leave, you’ll be able to puke your heart out so easily.




	66. final farewell

It is so hard to say farewell

to someone

who promised you

they would never leave.

_- & it’s even harder to know id do anything to get you back._


	67. pink promise (part three)

how can you

pinky promise

that you are going

to stay

then break my fingers,

hands,

and heart

just like that? 


	68. without you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> without you,  
> i feel broke,  
> Like I’m half of a whole,  
> Without you,  
> I’ve got no hand to hold.  
> Without you,  
> I feel torn,  
> Like a sail in a storm,  
> Without you,  
> I’m just a sad song.

without you?

babygirl, that leaves me 

with absolutely

_nothing._


	69. please don’t leave.

“fine, leave.” my mouth spoke.

 _”please don’t leave.”_ my heart whispered.

 


	70. start over

if you could relive

just one day

and change

everything,

would you do it?

_-no, because i don’t even know where we went wrong._


	71. completely

i guess

it wouldnt hurt 

if i changed

myself 

_c o m p l e t e l y._

 

_-an ode to the me you used to love._


	72. where are my feelings

i am 

so afraid

that someone

will ask me

how i am feeling

and i wont

be able

to give them

a

sure

answer.


	73. how silly of me

how silly of me

to ask you

to stay

& never 

leave me.

_-it’s not like either of us kept our pinky promises anyways._


	74. happier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aint nobody hurt you like I hurt you,  
> But ain’t nobody love you like I do.  
> I promise that I will not take it personal, baby,  
> If you’re moving on with someone new,  
> But I know I was happier with you.

ill admit that i am,

was, even,

so much happier

with you.

_-but if you truly feel that way towards someone else, then i won’t be the one to hold you back from those feelings._


	75. mascara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m done crying over you, my mascara is too expensive.

although it hurts

more than anything

in the universe 

to lose you,

from this day forward

i will no longer

cry over someone

who doesnt value me

as much as i

value them.

_-my mascara is way too expensive for that._


	76. tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 2/23/19

tomorrow,

you will leave 

for boot camp 

once again 

and i am praying

that i 

will not miss you

in the same ways

i did

when we 

were 

in love.


	77. incomplete (because once again you make me lose my words)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “he opened me up like a book and poured the poetry back into me” -Amanda Lovelace, the princess saves herself in this one.

i started to write

more than just a prose

about you,

but somehow

my pen ran out of ink-

more specifically,

my heart ran out of hurting

and my brain ran out of 

attempting to describe

the feeling i call 

emptiness,

in which i am resulting

in leaving

that poem 

incomplete.

_-who knew that the same person who poured the poetry back into you would be the one to stop it from flowing?_


	78. since you don’t care

since you don’t care so much,

i suppose that you do not care

that i am moving in

_with the same ex you did not want me to_

_move in with_

and since you don’t care so much,

i suppose that you do not care

that i relapsed yesterday

_sometimes the smallest things cause you_

_to throw up the small salad you made for_

_lunch_

and since you don’t care so much,

i suppose that you do not care 

that 

_-i am moving on._


	79. “Last Seen 7:11AM”

you told me

that you

hated me

and then

you left.

_-i thought 7/11 was for slushies, but i guess it’s for disappointments too._


	80. the little things

i remember

the little things

like how your

mom

sometimes

makes y’all stop

at McDonald’s 

but i bet 

that you 

couldnt even 

remember

my favorite food.


	81. today

today 

i am leaving

for camp 

& i hope

to leave

the memory

of you too.

_-today, i am leaving you as a yesterday._


	82. curiousity killed the.. kat.

i will never forgive myself

for letting the curiousity 

of what it was like

to love you

kill me.

****_-but babygirl, know ive rose up from the ashes and you won’t be the one to bury me._


	83. i need someone (but i guess that someone isn’t you)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Need Someone- Ollie.

i just 

wanted 

someone 

to love me

in the ways

i loved them too.

_-but thanks for making me realize that you are not that someone._


	84. i never thought (but i guess i should’ve thought about it more)

i never thought

id be the girl

crying on 

what would have been

our anniversary.

_-but maybe i didn’t think of it that way, or maybe i didn’t think at all._


	85. a love like

i want a love like “ill follow you into the

dark” by death cab for a cutie,

but we’re not even like that-

were more of the Halsey & YUNGBLOOD

cover because no one really wants us

together,

but ultimately people are just gonna

let us be together

and they’ll continue thinking we’re a

bunch of toxins to each other-

but no.

you and i,

well, i, am more of a “Don’t Leave” by 

Mø and Snakehips,

where im more of the type to beg you to

stay even though

i don’t 

believe

you are good

for me.

see- you’re the type of girl who finds

peace in the tune of “copycat” by billie

eilish-

but nah that’s too mainstream for you,

maybe a combination of deftoned and

bury a friend by Billie-

but that’s not the type of love i asked for.

i asked for the type of love 

where i did not

need

reassurance

of it.

_-you’re the music that i dance to in the_

_morning when im surrounded by my_

_friends, but you’re the music that i cry to_

_when no one is around._


	86. choices.

_Lewis-Clark State College asked me to_

_set up a meeting with them._

if we were together,

this would be 

my only choice

because i 

wanted

to do

whatever 

made me

close

to you.

_-now im left with the stupid choice of idaho or New York._


	87. guilty

my broken heart

tells me

that it is 

not okay 

to move on

this soon.

_-but my broken mind tells me not to feel guilty for doing what’s best for me for once._


	88. meara

she understands me

a lot better

than you did

and that scares me

because i used

to say 

the same words

about you.

_-i just hope you don’t ruin this relationship like you did ours._


	89. no more second chances

i did not want

a second chance,

but i knew

our relationship

deserved one.

_-and someday you’re going to come back and you won’t get a second chance either._


	90. love/hate relationship

our love

revolved around 

love and hate.

_-i could have sworn you love me but eventually drowned in hate._


	91. tropical storm allison

tropical storm allison

lasted about 15 days

in 2001,

devastating the life

of so many.

_-you taught me why hurricanes are named after people._


	92. unfortunately

unfortunately,

i will never love her

the way 

i love you.


	93. your replacement

your replacement

looks great

until i notice

that she

is nothing

like you.

_-but she’s everything i wanted you to be._


	94. almost.

i  _almost_

called her

by your name.

_-there’s no way to explain how i got “Allison” out of Meara._


	95. what i told her

i told her

that i 

needed to 

talk to her.

_-how am i going to tell her that i am still in love with you?_


	96. next friday

next Friday,

im going to turn

17 years old

and my only wish

is to have

my girlfriend back.

_-please don’t ask me what i want for my birthday._


	97. exploring

i still want you 

to explore

every inch 

of my body.

_-but im exploring hers instead to numb the pain._


	98. never claimed to be a saint.

you always

told me

that you 

never 

claimed 

to be 

a saint.

_-and i don’t think either of us are now._


	99. it’s  not like i want to cheat

and it’s not like

i want to cheat

on meara

but it’s like,

my lips 

still linger

the taste 

of allison 

and my legs

still long

for the 

feeling

of her

tongue.


	100. the ending.

i dont know where

our story

is going 

to end,

but i hope

that this

is just 

the beginning.

_ -i just want to start over my life with you. _


End file.
